Instead of another self-serving Thanksgiving week recitation of things for which some writer is grateful, in the interest of balance, here is my very abbreviated annual list of irritants. Bah. Humbug.
People who take up three seats at the airport. That the amount of dirt produced by digging a hole never seems to match the amount needed to exactly fill it. When the little ribbon on a Hershey’s kiss wrapper malfunctions.
Professional paid communicators who botch subject-verb agreement. “Calls to defund the FBI is a bad idea.” No, putting you in front of a camera with a microphone is a bad idea.
Workers who wait until they get on the elevator before their final exhale following their smoke break. People who blame politicians for every bad thing in their lives. “We wouldn’t have deadly tornados if Glenn Jacobs wasn’t a Nazi.”
Prosperity gospel preachers posting about humility with selfies from the well-appointed cabin of a private jet. People who use every life event as a reason to post a link to their CashApp or GoFundMe.
Anyone who judges others based on the color of their skin or the car they drive. So-called experts who argue that the primary cause of homelessness is high mortgage rates. Organizations – especially those that receive tax money – whose (unspoken) primary mission is self-preservation.
Football couch coaches who complain that Tennessee “always” runs the ball on second down, even when the run/pass ratio is almost 50/50 and the team averages 7 yards per play. Football kickers. Just award 7 points for a touchdown and give the other team the ball.
Women who forget to raise the toilet seat when they’re finished. People who treat memes as gospel truth before running them through a common sense filter. Macy’s fake blue reindeer Tiptoe. Nothing can replace Rudolph. #canceltiptoe.
The PA system on airplanes. Engineers who make a 150,000-pound tube fly can’t make a speaker system as effective as the ones used at high school football games in rural Alabama?
The 20-year-old intake forms at the doctor’s office that have been photocopied so many times they look only slightly more modern than the Dead Sea scrolls.
The use of more than one emoji in a single text message. Emojis in general. Text messaging in general. Email.
People who ask your opinion about a topic when their sole purpose for the farcical exercise is to share theirs. Power cords that take up more than one spot on a power strip. Hallmark movies. Same script, just with different sweaters.
Restaurant menus that use fancy French phrases, complete with multiple accent marks, to describe chicken. “Poulet en croûte fantaisie” is just chicken pot pie.
Anyone who believes daylight savings time has some effect on the number of hours of daylight. Maybe we should just set our clocks back 12 hours each November so we can enjoy 24 hours of sunlight each day.
People who don’t pull forward at the gas station. Businesses with phone systems that don’t allow you to talk to an actual person. If you’re going to have a phone number, you should have a phone answerer. Otherwise, just have an email address.
People who say “irregardless.” It isn’t a word. The phrases “at the end of the day” and “existential threat.” Sentences that begin with the word “absolutely.” Irrational words; why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
People who don’t return borrowed tools. I would rather give you $200 than discover my $10 wrench is missing the exact moment I need it. When the Apple help person always recommends that the solution to my hardware issue is to buy the new model. “Oh, your charger isn’t working? Buy a new iPad!”
People who focus on the negative things in their lives. Except for me, this one time a year.
David Moon is president of Moon Capital Management. A version of this piece originally appeared in the USA TODAY NETWORK.