The University of North Carolina’s disciplinary office will place Bill Belichick on campus probation after the Tar Heels’ head coach is caught in a sorority house for a third time.

An FAA investigation will determine that the rash of drone sightings in the northeast resulted from an airborne delivery partnership between Grubhub and former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Based on a DOGE recommendation, Congress will begin offering explicit corporate sponsorships. The 119th Congress will proudly be “brought to you by Visiting Angels and Metamucil.” Elon Musk will threaten to buy MSNBC and turn it into a news organization.

Apple will release a new operating system that replaces green bubble messages from non-Apple phones with an audible notification announcing, “this message is from your loser friend.” There will be no option to disable the feature.

Following $100 million in expedited repairs, the Gay Street bridge will reopen, only to fail a TDOT inspection a month later. The city will respond by permanently closing Gay Street to vehicle traffic and designating alternating sidewalks as exclusive panhandling zones.

Inspired by the “success” of its Cumberland Avenue redevelopment, Knoxville will revamp all roads in Fort Sanders, accidentally blocking vehicle access to Children’s and Fort Sanders hospitals. The project will win multiple urban planning awards.

Glenn Jacobs will challenge Tim Burchett to an arm-wrestling match to determine the Republican nominee for Tennessee governor. Tennessee Democrats will name Knoxville’s Gloria Johnson as the permanent nominee for any statewide election.

Donald Trump will create in awkward situation when, at a North American trade summit, he compliments Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum on her “fantastic women’s fashion” website, SHEIN.

After failing in his effort to take back the Panama Canal, Trump will declare that a provision of the Jimmy Carter’s 1978 agreement with Panama allows the U.S. to refill the canal with dirt.

Facing a Federal Trade Commission investigation, Arby’s will admit that rather than purchase Wagyu beef from Japan, the meat in its Wagyu Steakhouse Burger comes from a guy in north Alabama named Junior.

HHS Secretary Robert Kennedy, Jr. will access Uber eats records to determine if people’s dietary decisions should preclude them from receiving Medicare coverage for diabetes treatments.

Following rumors that ESPN has plans to make college football a wholly-owned subsidiary, Walt Disney CEO Robert Iger will confess, “uh … we did that years ago.”

Democrats will only impeach Trump twice in 2025. Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi will start a hedge fund. Their market-trouncing returns will fade as soon as Pelosi leaves Congress.

Technology stocks will suffer massive price declines when Wall Street discovers that most of the hype surrounding AI was a result of a prank by two South Dakota teenagers.

Farmers will enjoy record harvests in 2025 because of the additional sunlight from the permanent adoption of Daylight Savings.

Amazon will announce Prime Ultra Max, an AI-powered service that will send you things before you realize you need them.

On his last day in office, Joe Biden will pardon every criminal in the country except for my wife’s terrorist dog.

David Moon is president of Moon Capital Management. A version of this piece originally appeared in the USA TODAY NETWORK.